Untitled

2006-01-24T05:12:00.000-08:00

happy new year to one all :) i am back in school. yes u heard me right. school :) not as a student, but as a teacher. yeah. its my second week now and yes it is fun. its nice to be back in cat high, seeing yr teachers, singing the school song with zest, stepping into a place which has nurtured me for four wonderful years, a place where people were fun-loving, where real brotherhood thrives, where hyprocrisy didnt survive. yeah. its an incredible feeling just to be back.

being a teacher has definitely allowed me to see things in a totally different perspective. i have kind of gotten used to this teaching thing i would say, thanks to the years in cat high where i was given ample opportunities to lead my juniors, so in no time i was adapted to this role. for the very first time, i have very much clearly understand why do teachers get irritated by the slightest of mumblings or whispers. you know they always say to really understand someone u gotta step into his/her shoes to really know their feelings? yeah, its the same here. it's just simply irritating, to say the least. and yeah, there's the marking to do, the scoldings and blasting which i dont want to do unless its really necessary, i prefer raising my voice and knock some sense into the students.it has always been my style and will still be now. students are nice on the whole and memories just come back to me when i see them-- ' i was sitting there, right there, in my green shorts and white shirt...' haha. the four years in cat high was really good, the friends, the teachers, the soccer, the crying and laughing, the gossips, the frequent visits to the char kuay teow store at s11 after lessons, the trainings and scoldings we had to endure from our seniors, the student's pledge we had to say every morning... so many memories, i will cherish them all :)

2005-12-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

just came back from taiwan yesterday. not bad. the temp was hovering around 15-23 degrees. we arrived and the van was bringing us to the hotel and there was a damn bad congestion on the highway. then the radio said it was an accident. as our van appraoched the scene, my god, it seemed like it was hollywood's doing. something like a 6 car pile-up. then there was this lorry which was like totally smashed. i hope nothing serious happened.

east dragon. yeah that's the name of our hotel. 3-star. but man, their tv aint anything close to three-stars. even ritz carlton millenia cant compare. the tv had something like 80 to 90 over channels? cool. but we spent most of time watching the movie channels. axn, starmovies, hbo etc. and oh yar, there was HOLLYWOOD. yeah, we enjoyed 'up and down, back and forth, faster, faster.' go figure. we ate 'ah zong mian xian' everyday. its seriously damn good. its second to none. nothing beats eating a piping hot bowl of mian xian with the chilly wind blowing across yr face.ahh... wanted to shop but cause its winter, no one sells short sleeved shirts. so i bought myself an abercombie and fitch jacket. bout 46 sing dollars. its very likely smuggled goods but who cares, its real stuff. and the stuff in their departmental stores are as, if not more expensive than in singapore. everyone was wearing really thick layers, but we thought it wasnt that cold. so as not to look like freaks to the locals in short sleeves, we wore jackets and sweaters. well, just hope that the taiwan trip is a warm-up for the korean trip. heard the temp's is like -9degrees. haha. cool.

2005-10-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

for those who think your results are screwed up, pls do note that there's me around( and i am speaking for those who did badly,too). don't go around saying how bad u have done without making sure tt there's someone out there who is feelin much more fucked up than u.

i'm gonna stand tall, i'm gonna show everyone what i'm made of. i'm gonna challenge myself right to the end. i wanna thank all of my friends and my baby for believing in me. i wouldnt let u guys down. i'm gonna prove to you guys that i can do it. this is disappointing no doubt. but i'm gonna be all right and i'll pull myself up. i'll show u a different me. yes, a different me.

c,mon! kick their ass! BURST! che-arg che-arg che-arg! c'mon... BURST! last buoy, BURST!!

2005-05-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

been a long long time since i last blogged. today's training quite xiong. ran with 4/5kg medicine ball on a 4.5km route.split it up with li keng so did bout 2 plus clicks. circuits and all. tiring i have to say. while running i kept of thinkin of YOU. yes. YOU.u are my inspiration,babe.

after all this, i'd say that i love you deeper than any oceans in this world. i have learned to treasure you more than ever, forever. indeed, i have changed. i have controlled my temper. my mood is not fluctuating like some stock exchange already.i have taken things more lightly. to know that winning or being the best is not everything. read TIME mag some days back and i believe i saw something that goes like,'winning in the Olympics is not everything, just by taking part and completing the race is good enough'( or somthing along this line). the true Olympic spirit indeed. no, i didnt change overnight, but it was after a few sleepless nights that i changed my mentality. you may say that 3 weeks is too short a period to see anything, but i believe that its enough to prove myself. i wouldnt say that i have changed completely, like a total 180degrees transformation, simply because nobody's perfect. but i believe i have already proven to you and myself that i can do it. indeed i had and will continue to do so, dun u worry bout that. all i want is to hold your hand again. if i dun think i had changed, i wouldnt say that. but its precisely i had changed for the better, that i ask for this request.

i just want to tell you so you know

here i go
scream my lungs out try to get to you
you are my only one.
there's no one like you who gets me like you do
you are my only, my only one.

2005-03-19T22:39:00.000-08:00

sorry for those who asked y i akways like dun blog. all apologies. cuz when i always have the urge to blog i like not near my com...on the bus or train or sth haha. yeah. anyway the hols are bout to end. wouldnt say i was super productive. still ok. but i thought finishing the two history essays was good stuff.

had my heats on mon. came in third. just missed qualifying for the finals by a bit. was quite pissed initially after the race. but after i cooled down and thought bout it, i thot i really i put it my max. more than 100%. third was quite a good result after all. teo was satisfied also. good job to ala also.

bought my crumpler bag on thur haha. its ex la. 90 bucks. but hope its worth it cuz i heard the material is good shit.

do u yearn for me the way i yearn for you?

2005-02-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

man wassup dammit? haha. shloud be doin work now or sth. but just had the urge to blog. yar i know...never been blogging for ages. sorry man. sch's has been ok. abit stressed la. with all the trainings and stuff. always lookin forward to the weekends haha. hope can jam soon. jamming rocks dammit. jammed the other day. played all the small things by blink182. cool stuff but thought i could just work abit on my fill-ins. haha. tried stacy's mum but it didnt sound rite. did one last breath was pretty good. did an jing. sharon sang. her voice just rocks man. dunno wad to write le haha. nvm shall just end here haha. cross-country this friday, hoepfelly get come in top 100. haha

2005-01-11T16:46:00.000-08:00

i dunno wad to say. the day suck. greenday rocks. u tell me not. (rhymes rite haha)

we didnt even talk much today. wanted to struck a conversation with ya and seeing the way u are so immersed in yr math, that thought went straight out of me. failed attempt in lunch date. everyone has their own faults, its our duty to change for the better if we wanna become a better person. people dont realize their own mistakes until someone tells them bout it. beacause many a times we often feel that our 'good points' sort of make up for our faults and cover them up. but its wrong. a fault is a fault. a character flaw is still a character flaw no matter how good u are. only by realizing it, and changing it will it be rectified.

2005-01-11T16:28:00.000-08:00

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone I walk alone
I walk alone I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk aloneI walk alone
I walk aloneI walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ahAh-ah, Ah-ah

I walk aloneI walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

2005-01-01T23:48:00.000-08:00

haha. my first entry of the new year :) yeah haha. went to espalande yesterday then wantched electrico performed. man they are good ! really good ! then they cancelled the fireworks cuz of the tsunami victims, then there were like few hundreds of people waiting at the bridge outside fullerton hotel and they didnt know bout it. so they waited for damn long---for nothing.

haha. wanna be a happier person this year :)

2004-12-20T14:30:00.000-08:00

damn sian... still got so much homework to do haiz... had council bbq yesterday and turnout wasnt good. i think first time i went for bbq got more than enough food haha. nice to hear that some of the juniors are coming to vj next year haha. cool. borrowed a couple of issues of Men's Health from tim. my knowledge of a certain issue had definitely deepened quite a bit haha.

miss you alot today(not that i dont the last couple of days)... are u enjoying yourself? i certainly hope so haha. are u missing me? certainly hope so also haha.

2004-12-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

its just weird how u can miss someone so much even though she's right in yr arms. man, i love u so much. as i am typing this now, i am controlling my tears. i'm missing u alot. i dunno y i am tearing. i dunno.

i love you

2004-10-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

haha. been a long long time since i blogged. more than two months haha. sorry to those who kept visiting my blog but were disappointed to see the same entry in august. well, didnt do exactly well for promos, but i am determined to do well and that means more mugging and practice during the hols. shall end off here. dunno wad to blog. haha.

2004-08-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

sianz... this totally sucks. five days of 'holidays' and there's so much work to do. fuck la. still got hist essay to finish up... screw it. feelin a bit frustrated now. dunno y. fuck la. u noe if u think this is too vulgar for u to read on, u can just fuckin scram away. maybe i am feelin stressed, maybe not. am just lookin forward to jamming with the rest of the guys on tues and the audition on thur. u guys must come and support us.

felt pretty down yesterday. the feelin is just really crappy... i couldnt get back into the mood of writing my essay. the feelin ligered on through. i kept thinking of you as i laid on my bed, i was missing you like mad. i'm sorry that i hurt you with my words, if i knew u were already feelin down, i wouldnt have said that. u are always there for me when i am feelin down and out, but it doesnt seem to be the case the other way round. and i feel so damn helpless for not being able to do anything. and that feelin sucks. but i understand and i respect yr decision. i was just feelin down because i dun seem to be able to do anything and not being by yr side when u most needed me.

Helpless

its late at night
i sense something's wrong
nothing escapes my eye
especially when it involves you
you told me about it
and i felt like shit
i don't know what's bothering you
i don't know what's making you feel down and out
you don't wanna tell me about it
i respected it
but i just felt helpless

there are times i wanna see what's goin through in your mind
to see what's causing all the misery in you
i pictured you in my mind
nothing but you
to see you so down and out pains me
and it hurts even more when i can't do anything
i want to be there for you in your darkest time
i want to catch all your tears and hold you tight
but it doesn't seem to be happening
and i feel so helpless

2004-07-21T06:08:00.000-07:00

i love you dear. i guess this song is just wht i wanna say to you. Thank you for loving me dear, thank you for always being there for me:)

It's hard for me to say the things I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out If
I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Thank you for loving me

2004-07-12T19:43:00.000-07:00

my com is like down...again! the com technician said that the power supply is spoilt or sth..crap.

been thinkin of my future lately, its not the first time. but after so much had happened, i just wonder where am i heading... to start off, a torn knee ligament. and it effectively ends my dream of being in the soccer team and also my childhood dream of being in the army. for soccer, maybe its a blessing in disguise, considering the time and commitment spent on it. so i am fine with it. but the main thing is bout the army. its has always been childhood dream of being in the army when i grow up and i know i have the capability to make it. but something like a torn knee ligament is really serious, they look at my medical history and see something like ' torn right ACL' and they can just immediately put me as 'not fit for training' or something like that at BMT and then i can just say bye bye to the Officers' Cadet School. yeah, bye bye... seriously can u just imagine the sadness in me when i think of it? its like my childhood dream and bacause of an accident that i didnt want to happen to me, i see that goal being taken away. it just sucks... really. and i really dunno what to do if i cant get into the army. politics? journalism? i dunno. i am someone who is determined, when i wanna achieve something, i focus on it and set out on achieving it. so u tell me that a torn knee ligament will not allow me to be an officer in the army, it will be really hard to accept... really hard...

besides my knee, there's studies. i just have to work hard. maybe for maths, i didnt put enough effort thats y i did badly. but its ok, i will work hard :)

i really wanna thank my wondeful girlfriend for always being there for me when i'm down and always enduring my sighs and listening to me talk bout my unhappy stuff. her unwavering encouragement and strong faith in me have certainly helped me in a great way... i love you dear :)

2004-07-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

woke up to watch the portugal-greece match. i think greece deserved to win. their game was more fluid and smooth.after the game, ronaldo cried like mad. but its understandable cuz he's a teenager,naturally he will be more emotional.

everything's still flashing through my mind, really like everything today. just wanna stay there and be with you. it was all so peaceful, so tranquil. really liked it very much.

i love you so much... :)

2004-07-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

had a long day today. went for physio early in the morning and did a strength test and i didnt hit the mark. so that means i failed the test lor. and the test itself was quite tiring le and then still had to do the routine workouts and just felt like giving up at times cuz it was so tiring. and after the whole thing i was shagged. and i felt so damn sleepy and then went shopping with edmond and weizhong though i didnt buy anything and we just walked up and down parco like dunno how many times...and my phone's batt went flat cuz i didnt charge it yesterday. fell asleep without charging.
and i have to send the dreaded msg that my phone went flat and there was no communication or whtsoever that for at least nine hours and that suck.

2004-06-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

beckham sucks big time. sorry mate, u cant even score from a penalty, not once, but thrice. and whoever said he was the world's most prolific and best dead ball specialist?! that dude must be joking. my balls are laughing! haha! i've always look up to beckham since young. firstly becuz i think he's good-looking( u noe, i dun really care bout the critics that appear in my tagboard after i write this). secondly cuz i wanna be able to take those curling unstoppable freekicks, just like him. but his dismal performance in the game after moving to Real Madrid has seriously changed my opinion of him. haha. nuff said bout the big flop. wait, just one more thing, have u guys seen beck's soccer boots before? if u haven't, just take a close look at them, can try gettyimages.com and search for them. becks always customizes his boots. for euro '04, on the tongue of one boot, there's the england flag on it and on the other tongue, there's his icon on it. quite cool haha. k. nuff said bout the big flop and his boots.

'here without you' rocks. its always on replay mode, either on my com or my discman. and many times in the day i just sing it while i think of you...

and tonight it's only you and me...

2004-06-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

damn sianz... still got a whole lot of maths to do. hope can finish it by thur or fri. and my whole table is in a mess now.when preparing for war and during the war itself, the table's really in a bad state. its only after the war that i have the time and energy to tidy things up a little.

well just added some stuff to my blog yesterday. six songs to be exact. but when i check out my blog today, the damn thing just cant play. wtf. maybe its some server problem or whtever.

saw my fren's POP photos yesterday. Man, the No.1 looks damn nice. If only i went for the CLT course last year. back then , i told myself i 'm gonna cut all ties with ncc and so decided not to go for the course. moreover, i should be having fun after the o's, not get tekan by those shitty officers who cares nothing except to take pleasure in scolding the shit out of you. come to think of it, i kinda regreted not going. so i think i will sign up for the course at the end of this year, and that may means forgoing the chance of going to italy. here is a classic example of opportunity cost at work. i gotta really weigh the benefits and costs carefully man. moreover, joining back ncc will probably help me gain some advantage in fulfilling my childhood dream of being in the army.

i miss you like crazy,
even more than words can say,
i miss you like crazy,
every minute of everyday.

after studying i'll feel tired, as in tired mentally, and its then and there i so really wish that you were by my side and see your pretty face and hold yr little hand and not letting it go...

je t'aime dear.

2004-06-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

michael learns to rock really rocks... their songs are just so sentimental. i felt that sentimental songs dont usually make much sense last time, last time as in the years spent in the monastery. but now, its totally different, these songs suddenly make sense. hahaz, sounds weird but its true. u know the feelin' when u can just relate to the songs? its just simply incredible.

you are always on my mind,
i'm always thinking of you,
but the feelin' gets stronger at night,
especially when i'm lying on my bed,
thinkin of nothing but you,
hoping that you were beside me there and then,
holding your hand sitting under the starry sky,
listening to nothing but our breaths,
as you lie on my shoulder,
i just hope that we'll just be like that forever.
i want to let you know,
you are my only one, there's no one like you
and i

love

you.

2004-06-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

kk, i cant sleep, gotta admit it, was trying to force myself to sleep more but it was to no avail. so i woke up at nine in the morning today, considering the fact that i slept at around 2.30 in the morning, after the Portugal-Greece opening match of Euro 2004(Greece won 2-1).

Yesterday was simply fanastic, seriously, i cant find a suitable word. no, there's no words in the english dictionary that can describe the feeling yesterday. yeah, we were both shocked, haha. but somehow, i saw that coming. yeah, happy isnt enough to describe the feeling, neither is elated or fantastic or splendid or fabulous or whtever.

at that point, i didnt wanna let go, i didnt wanna let go. hope u'll stay happy liddat forever.

love you.

2004-06-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

The Reason--Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Its yet another song with really nice lyrics. Its such songs that i can really play over and over again and not get sick with it. The lyrics' really simple but it says alot. Will u change and amend your flaws for the person u love?

well, gonna mug today. at least for 3 hours. yeah!

the reason is you...

2004-06-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

its aint a crush anymore

its been awhile since we first met
about six months to be exact
all this time i find myself searching for you when i cant see you
all this time i find myself thinking of you when i miss you
as time goes by the feeling gets stronger
something which i cant really decipher
but such things need no reason
they dont need explanation

i just wanna hold you tight in my arms
i just wanna feel your tender lips when i kiss you
i just wanna hold your hand and not let go
cuz its aint a crush anymore

over the phone we talked it out
we let our feelings be known to each other
something which was our first time
something which had to be done
we feel the same for each other
and we'll walk through this together
its something you shouldnt question
cuz its not something beyond imagination

i just wanna hold you tight in my arms
i just wanna feel your tender lips when i kiss you
i just wanna hold your hand and not let go
cuz its aint a crush anymore

i'll be the one to catch you when you fall
to wipe away your tears when you cry
to lend you a shoulder when you're feeling down
cuz you're more than a friend to me

i just wanna hold you tight in my arms
i just wanna feel your tender lips when i kiss you
i just wanna hold your hand and not let go
cuz its aint a crush anymore

2004-05-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

had college clean-up today and cleared the level rather quickly. yeah we rock. and then later went to watch day after tommorow at ps. not bad la. the effects were great and it was quite sad also when alot of people died. and amist all the pandemonium, there was love. rather touching i think haha. then went back to cat high to kick ball and then went out with family for dinner.

went for band concert last nite and i made a silly mistake. seriously silly. i mean it didnt occur to me for a split second that i would be sending it to u. guess its becuz i was thinking bout u at that moment in time and i just naturally sent it to u. and so i decided to give u a call and everything's fine at the end. i dun think u shld be affected by wht others say bout u , bout us. cuz tt's wht they, as outsiders see, but in the inside, we know very well that wht they say is totally untrue. that wht they say is totally different from wht we know and goin thru. u said yrself that u dun think wht they say is true and i told u also that i dun believe that wht they say is true also, we both feel its mutual so u and i shldnt be affected by wht others say. love can override their false opinions.

yeah, we'll walk thru this together...

2004-05-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

had UN seminar yesterday, quite ok la, the colonel who gave the talk on the peace-keeping forces is from the guards unit, airborne and scuba, damn pro lor. one look u noe he's damn bloody fit.hahaz, then after that wanted to go watch troy at cine but no tickets, so went to meet with the rest of the class and went shooping (not me arh. then the other guys pang sei me and i was the only guy with 7 girls lor, bet ppl were thinking like,' this guy not bad sia, one on seven...' hahaz. and so man u won the FA Cup final with a convincing 3-0 scoreline against Millwall, adding another piece of silverware to their trophy cabinet after a rather disappoiting season.

there are people/things worth waiting for, and u are one such person, my heart has only a place for one person and that's you.

its only right to think bout the girl u like and hold her in yr arms, because its aint a crush anymore.

2004-05-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

hahaz, finish two history tests le!!! dunno will do well or not, but nvm, take it as a good practice... hahaz

hmm...now i feel rather useless... the feeling that u get when someone you treasure alot has something bothering him/her and u dunno how to help.it saddens me in a way.u dun wanna speak bout it, but i noe its bothering you, and though u dun wanna speak bout it, i noe it has got its implications and it has got something to do with us... maybe i am wrong but i dun think so...

but nonetheless, i still must say this,if u ever need a listening ear, i'll be there for you no matter what, i give u my word for that. life is full of good and bad memories, it may sound a bit of a cliche, but we gotta move on, let go and move on... u gotta believe in yourself that u can forget bout it all if u want to forget bout it. i know it may be hard, but still we gotta be optimistic bout the future, only then will we find true happiniess...

no matter what happens, i'll be there for you, always...

2004-05-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

i didnt write these, got it from two songs...

But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart

nothing to lose
your love to win
hoping so bad that you'll let me in

I'm at your feet
waiting for you
I've got time and nothing to lose

I'll always be around you
keep an eye on you
cos my patience is strong
and I won't let you run
cos you are the only one

2004-05-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

today was quite ok. woke up at 7.30 today and then did some trigo tutorial and took the whole day to finish the korean war notes, actually it's quite easy lor hahaz...then went to eat seafood buffet at carlton hotel, man it was great! first time eating seafood since i went for the knee op.

the week was ok except for wednesday, haiz dont wanna talk about it, it's in the past le... anyway, thanks for the chocolates fariza! thanks for all the presents ppl! esp the fhm mag... hahaz! not bad la... the sigg bottle is really nice... will try my very best not to scratch it...

勇气

终于作了这个决定　别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定
我愿意天涯海角都随你去　我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己　最怕你忽然说要放弃

爱真的需要勇气　来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定　我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气　去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你　放在我手心里　你的真心

如果我的坚强任性　会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒
我虽然心太急　更害怕错过你

2004-05-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

man... the weather is really hot these days... i am always perspiring like mad. goin topless around the house more often now... too bad u cant see my hot bod...hahaz...

was reading thru my 'writings' just now, its sort of interesting to be able to know wht was i thinking at that point in time when writing those stuff, though mostly they were bad memories. Bad memories they were, but now and then i still take them out from the corner of my drawer for reading pleasure. found out that most of them revolved around only a couple of themes. 1. paranoia 2.melancholy 3. disappointment. just to name a few. all of them are as true as they get, like i said before, when you are feeling so emotional at that point in time, u can just write out anything about your feelings then, alomost effortlessly. yeah.

sometimes i find myself thinking too much, so much so that i start scaring myself, when i tell my friends about it, they say i'm too paranoid. but sometimes i beg to differ. such fears can either be man-made or based on reality. man-made because even though the situation looks good, i still question it, thinking that there's something ominous lurking out there. reality because the situation doesnt look good and i start thinking about lots of stuff, questioning non-stop about it.
i have come to realise that having such thoughts is normal, that there is no right or wrong if i start questioning. they always say dont think so much but its really easier said than done sometimes. i feel that questioning something DOES NOT make a person less optimistic about something, at least that's what i feel.

i may be apprehensive but i am still OPTIMISTIC about it. the sense of apprehension is normal, because nothing is for sure now and the outcome is not known yet, but i will HOLD ON(reminds me of the good charlotte's song). that's the POWER OF LOVE. (didnt know wht it means initially...) but there's no rush, like what tq told me, those who run will stumble(sth liddat.)
absolutely true...

I'll leave my room OPEN till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes PATIENTLY focused on you

2004-05-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

hahaz... finished my history essay!!! yeah!!! man, quite an accomplishment though i think there aint quality... hahaz... took the whole night to cheong the essay lor, before that i thought i couldnt complete it today...but still managed to finish it :)

was walking across the field today with max and clarence... told them that i could have played on that field... sometimes i still think about it... wht if i didnt go for the ball? wht if that guy didnt come from behind and tackle me? and everytime i watch soccer matches on tv and when this fella gets a cruching tackle and he falls onto the ground in pain, the whole incident comes back to me again.but we just have to accept things as it is, there's really no point brooding over it...

listening to this song now, sometimes, in some way or another, i can connect to it rather well...

"There Is"

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

2004-05-10T04:09:00.000-07:00

kk...shouldnt be blogging now cuz i still got my history essay to complete and its due tmr. man... anyway wrote this chinese poem effortlessly, took me like 3 mins? hahaz... my chi not bad one k? wont use chinese characters(not like i have the hans vision or sth)in case some cant read the words, so i will just give hanyu pinyin... enjoy.

wo3 xian4 zai4 zai4 xiang3 zhe4 ni3
ni3 de3 lian2 kong3, ni3 de4 shuang1 yan3,
shen1 shen1 lao4 ying4 zai4 wo1 de4 nao2 hai2 li3.
wo3 qi1 wang4 you3 yi4 tian1,
neng2 qian1 zhe4 ni3 de3 xiao2 shou3,
zai4 mei3 li4 huang2 hun1 shi2 fen1,
yi4 qi3 zai4 sha1 tan1 shang4 zhou3 zhe4.
wo3 qi1 wang4 you3 yi4 tian1,
neng2 he2 ni3 zai4 yi4 qi3,
zuo4 zai4 guang3 kuo4 de3 cao3 di4 shang4
wang4 zhe4 tian1 shang4 de3 xing1 xing1.
wo3 qi1 wang4 you3 yi4 tian1,
ni3 neng2 ken3 ding4 di3,
cheng2 ken3 di3,
shuo1 ni3 yi3 jue2 ding4 le3.
wo3 you3 yu4 gan3,
zhe4 yi4 tian1 zai4 bu4 yuan3 chu4,
ruo4 bu4 ru2 ci3,
wo3 hai2 shi4 hui4 deng2 ni3 de3,
wo3 hui4 de3.

2004-05-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

well, today's really a long day man. went to meet alaric and tim at orchard mrt and just walked around orchard. then later bout 3 plus went to orchard library after receiving msg from chermaine that she and hwee were walkin to the library... then later cher called me and said they lost their way or something, i also not very sure cuz i was engrossed in lookin at the books but i heard something bout them goin to take a cab... then hung up. after a while, i pondered y must they take cab, abit strange but didnt bother... hahaz... then they paid 3 plus bucks for the cab fare and arrived finally at the CORRECT library after i think bout an hour later... haiz... by that time i searched the whole lib three times liao lor... then eldon joined us and we walked around orchard and the girls bought gifts for their mums... took neoprints--something which i haven done for a long time hahaz... hmm.. the neoprints came out better than i expected them to be... think i look quite good in them :) i'm photogenic and hwee's mum said i got the ming xing lian!!!!!!!!!!! man, that's the first time someone had said this lor... hahaz... then later eldon left and we went to far east... saw this damn tall transvestite.. hahaz... i thought they only hang around in the changi village area... hmm... then later went to meet poon neh and mai gou and two other raffles guys and went for dinner then took cab home...

and i think you look more beautiful with your hair down :)

2004-05-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

Hahaz... just thought I put this poem here… its one of the best I've written I tell you. It didn't take me long cuz the feeling was there to write something, its just how to string them togethe...those who have read it asked if this was true. Well its 90% true, only the part on the park thingy and the last verse aren't. enjoy...

Melancholy

It was love at first sight
And got to know her better
She was perfect in my eyes
And dreamt she was my wife
Everything was going fine
I'm leaving the past behind

Then she changed
All so sudden and strange
Just like the weather
No warning whatsoever
Paranoia set in
This can't be the end

Then it occurred to me
As blatant ignorance
It broke my heart, she played a part
Saw her at the park
With a guy and holding hands
It was all so sad it's over

She was a mirage in the dessert
Giving me false hope
I am to blame, it's an illusion
Everything's an illusion, I was fooled
She, cold and unfeeling,
Like a stone

At this very moment here
We diverged, bode farewell
Turned back, for one last time
Saw her shadow vanish into the woods
The ground soaked up my cold, dry tears
As I walked home, all alone

2004-05-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

kk. i seriously dunno y am i doin here in the first place and i dunno y i decided to get myself a blog.weird.. been sticking to the stereotypical thinking that blogs are for GIRLS repeat GIRLS only(though i know that there are male friends out there who have blogs). but guess that thinkin' has gotta change... wthever it is, this is my second entry..woohoo! if u consider the first one as erm.. the first entry... man, i'm crapping a full load of shit in here. haven really decided wht to put in my blog... should i put my i-think-they-are-poems 'writings'? or just add in entries and keep it simple? i dunno.. but that's it for now i guess...

by the way, saw my friend's nick on msn which made lotsa sense to me though it sounds a bit philosophical:
'Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it...'

2004-05-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

i dunno what to write in this space.